"Memorabilia of the Gods"

by Dom B.
2001.07.19

I have many demons in my life. I am tormented, like any other human being; more than some, less than some. The high dark lord of the demons has a name. Its name is this: ebay.

Don't get me wrong, I like ebay and everything, but it's getting to the point where I can't escape ebay. I collect comic books as one of my hobbies, and ebay has made getting those hard to find issues that I want much more convenient. But there is a problem, and this is why ebay is the dark spectre these long, long days.

The problem is that I can also get things I really don't want. I come home from work, tired, ground down under my oppressive burden of hating my job, my burgeoning stomach ulcer fully aflame. I sit down, check my email, get bored, and go to ebay. Eventually I'm hunting down things just because "well, I don't have that one yet!". I can usually control this urge.

Heck, I saw the actual Suburban truck used in the Sopranos for sale, for a big assed sum of money, and thought "wow, it would be pretty cool to have that".

What's going on here, everybody? We're becoming a society of collectors, pack rats, impulse buyers, please-leave-that-in-the-package-or-it-won't-be-worth-as-much geeks.  And I think I have an idea why. Human beings seem to like totems. A totem is an inanimate object, usually representing something animate (like an animal), but could be pretty much any object. If you happened to strike up a conversation with an aboriginal rain forest dweller, and asked him about the little leather bag he wears around his neck, he would tell you that the bag contains his soul. Or maybe he wouldn't tell you, because he doesn't want you to try and steal his soul. An American Indian may have (well, maybe a while ago) a carved animal totem that he believes gives him some of the desirable traits of that animal.

We kind of snicker at these things, we think they're primitive.  Well, tell me what's so great about Tony Soprano's Suburban. I mean really? "It was on TV" "Tony bashed some guy's head off the front bumper". Sure, it will be worth money. Hey, I wish I was famous because I have tons of crap I don't want that I would happily sell to anyone that wanted it. I'm trying to get rid of the old, useless crap, meanwhile I keep buying new, useless, crap.

I love post-apocalyptic movies. All those people, wearing junk. Collecting all kinds of old crap and worshipping it.  Just wait. Just think about it. I can only show you so much of the argument, because my will is slipping and I want to scream "I must have Tony Soprano's Surburban! Fuggedaboutit!"