"Certainty of Entropy"

by Dom B.
2001.08.09

I've learned several important economic lessons lately. First and foremost among these lessons is the simple concept that when your spending is greater than your earning and your saving, you go into debt. I've also learned that when you don't make shit for money and all the money you do save gets removed by the government to pay student loans, it doesn't take much spending to put you in the red. If you think that I'm acting like I'm the only person in the world who's in debt, just remember this: I am very, very, bitter.

So I have made a decision to improve my current economic state. No, I'm not selling my internal organs; you wouldn't want them anyways, especially not my pancreas and my liver. I have decided to get a second job. I don't do too much anyway in the evenings besides surf the internet and sacrifice pigeons to Zoroaster. Just kidding! I think the internet is Pure Evil and all whom traffic it are damning themselves! But, I need a part time job and Zoroaster will understand. So, I will present you with my very own Multi-Purpose Job Application, created and filled out by yours truly. Feel free to distribute it to any employer whom you think will meet my demands and throw wads of money at me. In a non-sexual way, you perverts.

Name: Dom B.

Address: Mom and Dad's House.

Age: I turned 24 five days ago. Send money to the above address.

Schooling: St. Vincent College, B.S. in Biology.

Beer: Yeungling

Why Did You Pick Your Course of Study?
Because I was a stupid, stupid little boy who actually thought I wanted to go back to Grad School after I graduated. I'm mad because the time I spent studying several hundred worthless facts that no one actually uses in the real world would have been better spent doing bong hits.

You Seem To Have A Real Attitude Problem.
Yes. Yes I do.

I Bet You Think The World Owes You A Living.
No, but the World owes me five bucks from the time we were at Wendy's and It wanted Fries and a Frosty with Its Triple Decker Burger but had spent all of Its money on smokes.

So What Do You Want To Do?
I want to write comic books.

Yeah, Like That's Going To Happen.
I'm trying to make it happen, and when I succeed, I'm going to come back here and do something mean to you for laughing at me.

So What Type of Job are you looking for?
I'll be realistic and say that my only option is going to be retail. I'd do retail with things I like, such as books, or computers, or women's lingerie. At a women's lingerie store that only strippers shop at.

What skills do you have?
Some of the skills I acquired in college include remembering useless facts until the test is over, writing faster than the professor babbles, getting drunk, flip cup, whining to professors, etc. etc. One of my natural skills is bullshitting.

How much do you want paid?
Enough so that my part-time job doesn't become my full time job, and enough so that I don't go postal on the customers, and enough to buy a small island in the Caribbean.

Have you ever drank or done drugs on the job?
Why? Are you buying?