"Self Righteous Scrubbing"

by Dom B.
2001.09.14

Bad times in this new millennium. We have been taught that there are monsters in this world. We can only hope that these times make heroes, and, that in hunting monsters we do not become monsters ourselves.

I have an obsession. I am obsessed with the concept of cleansing. For the Navajo, cleansing of the spirit comes through rituals spent in the sweat lodge, sweating out the impurities of life. For other Native Americans, ingesting substances and vomiting out the evil is part of the cleansing process.

What do we have? Most of us will shower, shave, brush and floss. Thoroughly mundane activities that we do every single day. (Ever heard the term 'morning ritual'?) For the Catholic among us, the Rite of Confession is a cleansing ritual. Our sins are removed from us through the admission of wrong and the act of penance. I haven't been to confession in a long time. I'm going to go this week, I am scared, and I need to talk to someone. I need to know that there is good in the world, and that I am a good person.

I've tried otherwise. I've showered, I've shaved, I've tried to rid myself of my animal instincts, of my sins. If I ever write a book, and I hope I write several, at least one will be the story of a man in search of a cleansing ritual, one who has studied the world and knows the avenues of absolution available but cannot find rest in these. I've tried walking. Last week I told of my trek as a search for absolution. Himalayan Buddhists and Australian Aborigines walk great distances for forgiveness. How long, how far, must one walk to gain purity?

I've drank more this week than I care to remember. I, in the words of Dr. Gonzo, have made a beast of myself to rid myself of the pain of being a man. I have run from my conscience long enough. I've walked miles in the rain, I've felt myself become one with the waters (what are we, but mostly water) and I've seen those feelings pass, and I become stinking, dirty, human.

I've felt lust. We've all felt bloodlust these past few days, and we've felt guilty. We seek justice in an unjust and unforgiving world. We walk and eat when others have died too early, and we hate ourselves for it. We are all sorry.

I am a hypocrite. I have fallen victim to pride, and wonder if sharing my thoughts with you is a symptom of my pride. My actions are pointless because they are not actions in the service of those who need help.

I don't have any answers. And I have horrible, frightening, questions, like us all. I'm terrified at the misdirected answers some of us may find. Maybe we're all lost, and maybe we'll stay lost our entire lives. I hope not. I know we're all weary of losing our way.

Please, pray, donate, give blood, give your muscle, your money, your possessions, and above all, your time. Maybe, only in the service of others, we can be saved.