"Live at the Apocalypse"

by Dom B.
2001.11.05

Better late than never, they say. Some time has passed, and the demons in my skull want out, and this is going to a big, rambling, mess.

Past the stalls in the shopping malls, we know that our necessities are few and our wants endless, our time wasted and our pursuits fruitless. For every day is a patch upon a patch, a quick fix after quick fix, and the leaks grow in number. The tape is getting old and gummy and one well placed fingernail will break the seal, and what will we find in the flood? Salvation? Maybe.

Who wants to take risks in this world? Not me. I like hiding under my numerous escapes, binging one day and purging the next. Embrace the excess to find numbness, then embrace the absence to find righteousness. Every day an adventure to find something I can give up, I can give up on. Feel the release of failure. Find the soft touch of quitting, the tender velvet kiss of giving up. Turn your back on your destiny, walk away from it. Find the subtle gifts of monotony. Then smash it all and start the cycle anew.

Water, water, everywhere. Rebuilding is the same rush as quitting, either way you are occupied. You are busy, you have purpose, drive, you are happy. Getting your shit together, again and again. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need to take some classes. I need to sit down and prioritize. I need to make a list. I need to stun my self into inaction by going off on tangents. I need lifestyle masturbation. I need resume' pornography. Maybe I need to move.

I need a fresh start. I need a lifetime of fresh starts. I need to believe, that some how, some where, some way, it will be all different.

Face it, (I can't face it) you're still on the same railroad tracks.
Face it, (I can't face it) you're just afraid of taking a risk.
Face it, (I can't face it) you're worried what people will think.
Face it, (I can't face it) you, yes you, are absolutely FFFFFFF terrified of failure.

A lifetime of getting my shit together.