"Depression Is Fun!"

by Dom B.
2001.11.29

I gotta start us out this week by telling you what I'm going to do next
week. This is usually a pretty good indicator that a.) today's column will be fairly weak; and b.) I've had a few beers.

Next week I'm going to write down a pitch for each one of the ideas I have for the comics I'd like to do. I'm doing this to prove to myself that I might actually do something with the minor talent for writing I may or may not have. I'm doing this, so that you, my friends, can hold me to try to do something with these ideas. I'm doing this so my obsessions, the voices in my head, will pipe down. I'm doing this for the children, dammit! And for starving models/actresses everywhere! Starving model/actresses who will want me when I'm a famous Hollywood screenwriter! No, no, just kidding. If I ever wrote the garbage that gets by as gold in Hollywood I'd be very disappointed in myself. But I would be rich, so I could manage.

So let's move on to what I do best, which is reflect (i.e. 'complain') about things going on in my life currently. Well. *Ahem*. Actually it isn't that bad right now. I have two job interviews next week. One of the jobs I really want, and it may pay me enough to gain some (albeit not all, we are in a recession) financial independence. Last week I went to my Five Year High School Reunion! My self worth has started to rebound. Here's a short list of things I learned there:

1. Everyone lives in New York City.
2. Just because you grew a goatee, and dress better, and got into better shape, and look people in the eye when you talk to them and don't stutter when you talk to women, does not mean that you will be surrounded by a flock of women who wish they would have looked past the shy geek you were in high school to the shining example of manhood you actually are. Especially when your ego has been swelled to enormous proportions by the half dozen Yuenglings you just drank.
3. If you forget someone's name and start calling them by someone else's name, they notice.
4. You're very happy to have had the chance to talk to some people that you haven't seen for a long time. Most other people are still assholes.
5. Tearing all your clothes off, climbing onto the bar, and screaming "I am the Lizard King" is a bad, bad idea.

Hey, some weeks I just can't do it. I can't drop any more enlightenment on you. I can't prepare you, my army of darkness, for the coming battle. I can just teach you this solemn mantra, a shining beacon in these troubled times, a signal of hope in these trying days. Now repeat after me:
Episode II will not suck.
Episode II will not suck.
Episode II will not suck.
Episode II will not suck.

Thank you.