"So You Wanna Be A Lite FM radio DJ?"
by John H.
2001.06.11
Do you listen to a "Lite FM" radio station on a regular basis
by choice?
If you answered 'YES' to this question, please do the following steps:
- Grab and get a firm hold of your head
- Pull, tug, yank until you have un-lodged it from your ass
- Get in your car and find the nearest concrete structure (bridges or over passes work great in this situation)
- Jerk your car steering wheel projecting your car into the concrete structure, hence ending your pathetic life
Working in an office
setting and having my own three sided cubical, I am subjected to 8 hours
(sometimes more) of the local Lite FM station played as "soothing" background music to make your day go by faster.
Being as busy as I am, I find time in my day to keep track of which songs are played and more importantly, how many times these "classics" are aired.
For your amusement, I report these results:
- Michael Bolton - "When a Man Loves a Women" - 34 times
- Elton John - "Circle of Life" - 23 times
- Celine Dion - "My Heart Will Go On" - 19 times
- N*Snyc - "Boys Bands Must Die" - 15 times
- Shaggy - "Don't call me Angel" - 9 times
"... For my money, it doesn't get any better than when Michael Bolton sings
'When a Man Loves a Women' ..." -
Bob #1 - Office Space
This ridiculous idiot statement basically summarizes everything that is wrong about this world.
If you are subject to this torture throughout your day, take a look around.
Sitting all around you are simple minds jamming to mellow tunes that make my ears bleed every minute of every day.
These stations recycle overrated music from the last 20 years that should have never been recorded and pass them off as "hits".
So, according to these stations, the Ba-Ha Men are the greatest band of our generation.
I guess they must be right, I mean, they are the "Grammy" award winning
Ba-Ha Men ... and the Grammy's don't lie.
To make matters worse, the DJ's that are pushing these works of the devil are equally to blame.
They say things like "Have a Lite FM kinda day!" What the hell does that
mean? Does that mean that I should become as shallow as a midget's kiddy pool and construct shrines to the no talent pieces of garbage that clutter the airwaves on a daily basis?
Should I work out everyday, get abs of steel, learn to dance and join a Boy Band?
Or another one of my favorite parts of the day, the weather reports these jabroni's give out.
They say things like, "It's a little overcast, but Mr. Sunshine is trying to peak its head through the clouds.
Let's hope Mr. Sunshine defeats those clouds!"
Again I pose the question, what the hell is that supposed to
mean? I mean, that may be nice, if I were in preschool, drinking a juice box and trying to put that round peg in the square hole.
But their target audience is middle-aged people. Is it necessary to use baby talk to describe the weather?
In conclusion, I urge all of you office dwellers to revolt.
Just because the middle-aged women thrive on their Lite FM all day doesn't mean we should all be forced to cut our hears off in pain and disgust.
If anybody tries to defend any band featured on a Lite FM station, do the following: Bash their friggin' head in with the BackStreet Boys box set.
Send a message that we will not take this sorry excuse for music. Trust me, once the first is bludgeoned to death, the rest will cave.
