"Wind Blowing, Mind Twirling"

by John H.
2001.12.24

'Tis the Season out there, or so I’ve heard. I know, I know, it’s been a while. But my motivation to write cannot be forced, it must hit me, and well, it's hit me today.

So, as I did my last minute Christmas shopping, I had plenty of time waiting in traffic and in the long, long lines to reflect on things. And self-reflection has always been my best motivation. My mind sometimes makes my eyes see a mirage, that I think is my life, but once I reach the oasis, I realize that my world is far, far from what I thought it once was, hence the self-reflection. I fall off the earth for days, weeks at time, trying to be someone I’m not, or trying to fulfill agendas that I think are important. But then I awake from my delusions, and realize that whatever tasks I accomplished, or whatever my "to do" list says, I wonder: "What the FFFF am I doing".

Its like waking up from a deep sleep and not knowing where you are for a second, and realizing that the dreams you had, are not reality, and your reality starts as soon as climb out of bed. That has been me for the last 2 weeks or so. But now I’m wiping the "sleepies" out of my eyes, and I’m awake.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going through one these "Trying to Find Myself" crusades, because I know who I am, and what I stand for. And getting to that point was a novel in itself. I like who I am and I don’t give a crap who likes me or not. If you don’t like me, then don’t call me, end of story.

There have been many books about finding yourself, and once you do realize exactly who you are, and what makes you tick, it’s a pretty damn cool thing. Somebody once told me that the best time of her life, was her early 20’s, post college. She said that accepting herself for who she was, and not caring about who liked it was a special time for her. She savored it, and it gave her a confidence in herself that she never knew possible.

Ok, that shpiel about finding yourself, well, I got a little sidetracked, back to the main point of my babble:

So, as the days churned away, I look around. I see myself becoming my parents (ugh), but I guess that’s inevitable. I guess I once thought, that becoming my parents meant that I achieved mediocrity in my life. You know, a house, wife, some kids, and a dog. But as I grow older I realize that my parents aren’t mediocre, they are actually people that I should strive to be.

I know this is starting to sound like an after school special about heroes. No, none of my High School teachers were ever worthy of being called my hero. But as I learn more about my parents, I see exactly the journey that got them to where they are. And I have developed the greatest respect for both of them. As I struggle to maintain myself, they struggled to provide my brother, sister and I with a roof, food and sometimes fun.

When (and if) I get married, I’m not going to use any jokes you hear on "The Man Show". When (and if) I have kids, I’m not going to watch "Married With Children" and relate to all the humor. I’m going to love my wife; I’m going to love my kids. I’m going to cherish each day. Because to some, having a loving family is mediocre, but to me, that’s extra special. And yes, some days will be hard. Work and the responsibility for others is a daunting task, however, I can only hope to do as good a job as my parents did with my siblings. I welcome the challenge.

I guess this isn’t my typical cynical article, but life is all about hope, and fulfilling your dreams, and I am hopeful of the fulfillment of my dreams.

Take Care my friends, and have a wonderful holiday. Merry Christmas to all.