"Why I Can't Live Without Music"

by John H.
2002.07.02

I’m driving home from work today, I pop in my "U2" CD. I’m sitting in the endless lines of traffic, but I don’t care. I feel the goose bumps rising on my skin, the hair rising on my neck. I start looking at my surrounding with a newfound wonder. I don’t even really know, nor do I care, what the song is about. I’m feeding off of the pure emotion and conviction Bono is singing with. Every note he belts out, is inspiring every cell in my body.

Bono yells out the lyric - I’M WIDE AWAKE!

I’m not sleeping!
Suddenly I feel like an awakening "Rip Van Winkle", I rub my eyes over and over again. I get a smile on my face; my whole being is overwhelmed with a sense of temporary nirvana. I don’t give a shit that I just got fired, my girlfriend just dumped me and my car is starting to smoke. I don’t care.

The cars that were once my obstacles are now fixations for my eyes to enjoy. I study the drivers, wonder what they’re thinking, wondering if they are as miserable as I was 5 minutes ago, or are they as peaceful as I am right now.

The scenes around me are more like paintings. The colors of the trees become more vibrant, the song in the background is the soundtrack to my serenity. I savor it, even though it only lasts a few minutes. The song is over, and sometimes we try to recapture the moment again by replaying the track, but the feeling lessens and lessens each time the song is played in succession. The feeling will never come back with as much vigor as it did that first time. That moment of time gone, but not lost.

With everyday that goes by, my emotions are tamed more and more. I lose my dedication to keeping my convictions. I need the extreme emotions and convictions of total strangers on CD’s to remind me that I’m not dead on the inside. Some days, it’s hard to pull your insides up from the ashes and hear them. But today I heard them.

My day is complete, I mentally pricked myself to make sure I still bleed red. Tricky part is to keep pricking in the years that follow, but as long as I have music, I’ll always bleed red.